Entries of life ★

yes, be strong. that's what i'm going to tell myself. BE STRONG.
no one told me that i was to go through a lesson so difficult to pull through.
lesson to learn about LOVE.
the lesson came too unexpectedly at the most unexpected time of life where it just appears and forces you to learn and grow.
perhaps, now it's time.
time to test my love for him, the one i claimed to be...my love.
i guess it's a reassurance kind of thing to affirm the love i have for him.

Kim JunSu's Real Love.
i seriously dunno what i should be feeling when i watched it. initially i wasn't sure what am i suppose to feel. i just feel, blank. i guess it has came out as a shock.
then, i started having mixed feeling. sad, angry, jealous, shocked, upset, disappointed, depressed..so on.
next....i feel so....enlightened.
like...this is....what my love really is.
who junsu is.
renewed the whole image of him.
renewed a whole new theory on life.

what i wished for so strongly...
there are so much of such things...
yet, these are the things that i can't have my hands on....
these are the things that have been too far to be targeted in the first place.

this video just made my love for junsu so selfish, so self centered, so a evon's wants rather than a junsu's needs.
if you can get what i mean...

junsu...you really loved your ex right?
you really fell for her didn't you?
you really felt for her didn't you?
it must have been...so much love to be able to be like this.
junsu, you really loved her...didn't you?

it's time.
it's about time.

but i still want to be this selfish for at least this one time again for my last idol.
to continue this selfish love till...
the day he found his her
the day i found my him

till then, i will love you selfishly like i did before.

junsu, i wanna know...
you still love her up to now?
do you?
do you still do?
i really wanna know...
if only you were here to answer me.
to calm the panicking me, the one burning so much with fire of jealousy...
junsu...why was i only able to run and stand around the area of fan and not...
why can't i cross over...

dear lord, i wan to have that chance, opportunity.
lord, give me the chance...please.