Entries of life ★

today it started off rather common yet something felt exceptionally wrong.
well, i woke up at 10.58 am when i was suppose to wake up 8 minutes earlier.
that was normal for me though (dragging of time).
but since i was mentally awaken by my alarm clock, i found it hard to return to sleep.
so i got up and continued the incomplete revision for physics.

laid in bed, without my spectacles on, i started reading my science chem/physics key points book.

at 11++am, i was actually planning to get myself bathed and go down to buy my brunch.
well, you should know i am lazy to even go downstairs and buy food for myself.
so i went down, bought food and coffee.
i said i was sleepy yet mentally i was really awake.
i needed coffee for assurance.

went to school early today, felt rather weird but that was what i did occasionally last week.
then it was time for physics paper.
physics turn out to be ok for me.
i was able to handle it and answer it.
i was so thrilled and happy about the happiness of conquering physics.
i never passed physics for the whole of this year's school terms.
so imagine the happiness i felt after doing the paper.

went home and was so high.
i know, i was duper high and crazy.

at home, picked up the phone and rang up to both my parents.
told them about the physics paper.
after it, i took my laptop and switched it on, yet again.

surfed the net and with much enthusiasm, i clicked [come to play] video where TVXQ has a part in it. i was really anxious to watch it because it was really funny!! ( i watched the first part and it was really hilarious so i wanted to show the other parts of the show)
well, it all went well until....
the uploader had only posted 4 parts with subs so i had to wait for the rest to be subbed. BUT, there was one exception, PART7.

the deadly PART7
remember one of my previous post about junsu admitting to his first, after debut kiss? part7 had this part in it and SUBBED. so the situation was, i get to see for myself junsu admitting to it, saying about it and crying over it. well, it was a big mind blowing issue to me, a crazy maniac who treats and views junsu as her lover, husband, bf and etc. it was like, junsu was giving me a tight slap to wake me up. the slap was like " WAKE UP IDIOT. YOU SEE YOU ARE MY FAN, ONLY FAN. YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN BE MY GF?" to me it was like so. oh my gosh, can you imagine how....how....how...indescrible my feelings was at that time? it was such a slapping moment that i started to cry for the moment and couldn't watch anymore after the issue.

i finally awaken from my sillyness.
i was such a idiot to treat my idol as my lover or bf or love.
if he was my idol, he is not my bf lover and etc.
so the conclusion was:
idol does not equal to LOVER BOYFRIEND HUSBAND AND THE OTHER ETCS.
well, yup a clear definition of what junsu should have been to me.
A IDOL.

i should have got this straight from the start.
so, now, junsu is only my fav idol of my fav group TVXQ.
clear enough for me.

yup that was it.

now that my "love" is emptied, again.
i feel a sense of hollowness in me.
that is why i say i want to date....